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First let's start with the bread- I'll have mine sliced sourdough, grilled in olive oil. Then let's cover those starchy babies in some pesto mayonaise, add some freshly sliced tomato, mozerella cheese, and a good old fashion fried egg (with an extra big yolk) in the middle! Salt/pepper/thyme/oregano to taste. Nom nom nom! OR Herb Foccacia Herb Mayonaise (stick with the theme, bitch) Sliced Red Peppers Chicken, sliced with a tender ass. I mean, "Tender Asss Chicken" Lettuce, but not any of that shredded rabbit shit. That stuff is seriously so gross!! Get away from me. Herb Foccacia And some herb to smoke along with it! Tags: sandwich, writer's block
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Valentine's Day is a wonderful holiday for those getting "heavy petting" on a regular basis, and shitty for single people who usually spend the night watching John Cusack movie marathons and eating jars of Nutella by the spoonful. As a lover of many seasons, I figure I know quite a bit about lurve. This advice is modified for those of you in relationships/with dates, because most of you are "doing it wrong". If you're thirsty for knowledge, I'm a good bottle to drink from. - Know that if your partner says something heartfelt, they're probably being sarcastic. Statistically speaking, only half (43% to be exact) of the world is aware that February 14th is also Snark Appreciation Day. This leaves the rest of you doornobs blazing targets for humiliation. Take offense and let them know you're 'onto it', whether it's by making a hurtful jab at their cooking or using physical force. It's much better to get defensive, than to allow them to make an ass out of your mushy face. Trust me.
- Wear red- head to toe! It's universally flattering on all skin tones and basically conceals your acne pox and crooked teeth (betcha didn't know that!). If some lame-looking motherfucker asks you where the White Stripes concert is, punch them in the name of love (preferably in front of your significant other). Don't blame me if your lover drags you straight into the bedroom! Trust me.
- Take a "breather" from bathing and your other hygenic rituals. The nasty beauty industry has you in a grooming headlock of lies. When you bathe, nature's horny helpers- aka pheremones- are washed right down the drain. Forget the "little black dress" or the "axe body spray roll-on" Pheremones are the sexiest accessory you have. If you rid yourself of these, basically that homeless guy Neil down the street- the one that picks at his skin and hangs in front of Starbucks- has a better chance of impressing your date than you do. Unless you have that foul disease where you skin grows over itself, say ex-nay to the shower-nay. If you just gotta get wet that day, then buy some bottled pheromones off the internet. They realllly work, trust me.
- Guys- wear a full face of make up! Girls, go au naturelle and remain an earthy beauty like Queen Mona Lisa, the most gorgeous woman to have ever lived. This advice my baffle you, but statistics have shown that hetero couples always wonder (while masturbating) what their partners would look like as members of the opposite sex. Statistics have shown this. Why hasn't this fascinating fantasy been unearthed? Well, ever since the Gay Statistical Movement of 1943, homo and hetero scientists have conducted their research seperately. One study that took place at the University of Arizona (you KNOW everyone there is straight) showed that 78% of men and 92% of women in relationships secretly fantasize about what their partners would look like with their sex "tweaked". The government withholds this information from the mainstream, which is why otherwise reliable sources such as CosmoGirl and Maxim fail to report these facts.
Anyway, that's all I have for now! Feel free to ask for relationship advice in the comments- Valentine's Day is sort of my expertise.  You're just a couple of fucking apes
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Found on Craig's list:
Hope that this post would finally touch the heart of a woman who sees herself reflected in the description of my search this New Year's and that hopefully I could get a special e-mail from her in my inbox.
Hi, I'm a 29 year old single black male. I'm 6,0, muscular, dark brown in complexion. I love to fart. I would like to correspond with a sexy, single and attractive woman, black or white, between 23 and 42 years old with a big butt who farts a lot-farts more than the average person,(at least 25 times a day or more) farts long, loud and smelly. I want a woman who considers herself a farter in every sense of the word, so we can get our groove on together. Please keep in mind that the farting part is absolutely the most essential quality I'm looking for in a mate...for a wild, sexual relationship. I live in Philadelphia, but would be more than willing to do everything necessary to meet a woman who sees herself honestly reflected in this description. A very big butt is a plus.
If you don't fit this description, please do not email me. Also, if you're not serious and are simply looking for someone to tease and do not intend to respond if I try to get in touch with you, please don't e-mail me, because I'm 100% serious. This isn't a joke at all. I'm tired of getting e-mails from folks who pretend to fit the description, yet don't respond when I try to contact them. I've been searching for this unique woman for a long time and although the outcome of my search has so far felt quite discouraging, I have confidence that there is a woman out there who fits this description in its entirety and that she and I will cross paths through this site. I'm just a man with a unique preference looking to date a unique woman and I have nothing to be ashamed of. I will never give up.
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